I’m not in a position to judge anyone for how they use their time: I spent an hour last night looking at Bob the Goon toys on eBay and never pulled the trigger. But every time I think I understand why speedrunners do what they do—pushing the limits of efficiency and excellence in gaming—a new catacomb reveals itself, with goals that go far beyond reason.
Take YouTuber Bubzia, who specializes in blindfolded speedruns. (Yep; that’s a thing.) He recently set a new niche record in the community that speedruns The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and it’s called the “Dank%”—meaning the quickest to take advantage of a glitch that makes Link look like he’s smoking weed.
What you’re actually doing is exploiting a glitch that makes you blow into a burning stick instead of the titular ocarina. Apparently, our pal Bubzia’s nearly halved the previous record. Incredible.
People have been officially speedrunning this specific category in the N64 masterpiece for nearly a decade now.
What other super-niche speedrunning records exist for this game, you ask?
How about one in which you don’t open any doors?
Or one in which you milk every cow in the game?
TOY RELEASE OF THE MONTH
Marvel’s War Machine (Marvel Legends Series)
It’s not enough for Hasbro blow the dust off of a retro card and re-release the figures of yesterday. What the company’s been doing this year, when collectors are feverish for ’90s flavors, is incredible: evoking the classic Toy Biz aesthetic while making gorgeous, wholly new creations.
Take War Machine, a redux that came out in October. It’s not just those bright hues; its brand-new, streamlined accessories get rid of the shiny components that are easy to lose and offer two bombastic armaments that look great with or without blast attachments.
Best of all, this figure feels like it’s geared toward the earlier end of the 4+ age requirement—like it should be played with. That stands in opposition to many of today’s throwback figures, which can seem either only geared toward 40-something neckbeards or a too-faithful creation that doesn’t live up to how we remember these things.
To put it simpler, War Machine feels like an honest attempt at creating something special while honoring the artifact’s history. And per the Hasbro Pulse schedule, there’s much, much more coming our way.